I was watching The Bachlorette the other day, first time this season with Ashley and I was intrigued by the guys saying that their parents opinions matter. Their sisters and mother would have to like her. I agree totally. It makes for a much happier family situation. I thought back on my family. My dad came from a large catholic family and my mom was not catholic. She did not convert and her future sisters-in-law did not approve, nor did they attend the wedding (with the exception of my Aunt Marie who was rather young at the time). It made me think that maybe my parents should not have gotten married. It made for a difficult situation and, in spite of having a big family on my dad's side, I feel I have no family. I don't know my cousins and I have many of them. It's sad. It was hard on us kids, or at least me. I don't know my brothers view on it, I can only know mine. But I felt like an outcast - even growing up when we first moved to CA from MN. I always got the feeling they didn't think I was as good as the other cousins. I also felt that because they didn't like my mother, she didn't like them either and as a result separated (estranged) us from my dad's family. Bottom line, I don't feel I have family. That makes me feel alone.
The next thought about changes came to me when I was driving into work this morning. I was thinking about people changing. Some people think that peope just don't change. (I've heard people make comments about that). Well, they do change. That's what life is all about - change. Either people change for the better or worse. Even if people seem to not change, I believe they still do. If someone is negative, they usually get worse and it may appear to be stagnation, but they still change. People in a rut change, they keep making the rut deeper.
I started to imagine, for me anyway, that I am trying to make changes within myself. It's like being in a deep well and I keep struggling to get out. The walls of the well are earth and there are roots from plants poking through. I grab the earthen walls and try to climb out, but I just don't seem to make any progress. All that I manage to do is pull dirt out on top of me and the roots I grab just break and fall on the ground at my feet. There are even rocks that I grab, they pull loose too and there is nothing to hold onto. But then just as I feel as if all hope is lost, I look up towards the top of the well, I see the sky and I see that the distance is shorter. I look at the ground below my feet and all the dirt, rocks, and roots that I have grabbed are piling up below me. I feel a surge of hope so I keep going ....
Monday, July 25, 2011
Friday, July 15, 2011
Only place to start is the beginning ...
I am sitting here at work trying to decide where to start and what should the title be. I thought about "My Beginning", but what beginning? My birth? Or the beginning of self discovery? In truth, the self discovery thing has been an on going process since my divorce, at least a more indepth look into myself. I guess, in essence, my beginning of self discovery could be viewed as a birth too. Sort of ... born again?! Although I don't feel born again. I still have all these feelings inside that I want to get rid of. These feelings that are crushing me down and holding me back from being the person I want to be .,.. that is what this blog is all about. Maybe that is just what life is about.
Anyway, I was meditating the other morning and I had a thought. I have been dealing with feelings of inadequecy and a sense of a lack of self worth ever since I can remember. My thought was that I had my dreams taken from me. Actually, my thought was more like they were "stolen" from me. What I mean by that is that I was always told to "get my head out of the clouds." To this day I don't even remember what I was dreaming about. And anyways, could I have kept track of all the dreams? So, I guess what I'm getting at is that in order to have a happy life, or fulfilling, you have to have dreams. You need desires and wishes. I never felt deserving of these. My desires never were worth anything. I was made to feel that my desires, wishes, dreams were not worthy or were stupid, because they were different from what other people wanted for me, or maybe I should what they wanted from me. I don't even remember having dreams about what I wanted to be when I grew up.
Sure, when I was really little, my dream was to be a dancer ... I have to admit, I still fantasize about being a dancer ... but when I was put into ballet classes (at 3 years old) I pitched a fit, because I didn't want to go. My guess is that the classes were too structured and all I wanted to do was twirl. I remember just twirling and twirling ... and twirling some more .... When I was 8, I wanted to take lessons because a friend of mine was taking dance, but I was told that I didn't want them before, so I wouldn't want them now. Huh? I was 3 the first time compared to 8? I felt crushed ... I can still feel that today. That feeling of being crushed, turning inward and hiding inside me. That ever familiar feeling that I have lived with all my life. This is just one memory or incident of hundreds ... I could be exaggerating, but I don't think so.
Getting rid of feelings that I've had all my life is scary. What will I do when they are gone? What will I feel? Who will I be? Will I be a better person? What about my personality?
Anyway, I was meditating the other morning and I had a thought. I have been dealing with feelings of inadequecy and a sense of a lack of self worth ever since I can remember. My thought was that I had my dreams taken from me. Actually, my thought was more like they were "stolen" from me. What I mean by that is that I was always told to "get my head out of the clouds." To this day I don't even remember what I was dreaming about. And anyways, could I have kept track of all the dreams? So, I guess what I'm getting at is that in order to have a happy life, or fulfilling, you have to have dreams. You need desires and wishes. I never felt deserving of these. My desires never were worth anything. I was made to feel that my desires, wishes, dreams were not worthy or were stupid, because they were different from what other people wanted for me, or maybe I should what they wanted from me. I don't even remember having dreams about what I wanted to be when I grew up.
Sure, when I was really little, my dream was to be a dancer ... I have to admit, I still fantasize about being a dancer ... but when I was put into ballet classes (at 3 years old) I pitched a fit, because I didn't want to go. My guess is that the classes were too structured and all I wanted to do was twirl. I remember just twirling and twirling ... and twirling some more .... When I was 8, I wanted to take lessons because a friend of mine was taking dance, but I was told that I didn't want them before, so I wouldn't want them now. Huh? I was 3 the first time compared to 8? I felt crushed ... I can still feel that today. That feeling of being crushed, turning inward and hiding inside me. That ever familiar feeling that I have lived with all my life. This is just one memory or incident of hundreds ... I could be exaggerating, but I don't think so.
Getting rid of feelings that I've had all my life is scary. What will I do when they are gone? What will I feel? Who will I be? Will I be a better person? What about my personality?
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