thoughts on family and changes

I was watching The Bachlorette the other day, first time this season with Ashley and I was intrigued by the guys saying that their parents opinions matter. Their sisters and mother would have to like her. I agree totally. It makes for a much happier family situation. I thought back on my family. My dad came from a large catholic family and my mom was not catholic. She did not convert and her future sisters-in-law did not approve, nor did they attend the wedding (with the exception of my Aunt Marie who was rather young at the time). It made me think that maybe my parents should not have gotten married. It made for a difficult situation and, in spite of having a big family on my dad's side, I feel I have no family. I don't know my cousins and I have many of them. It's sad. It was hard on us kids, or at least me. I don't know my brothers view on it, I can only know mine. But I felt like an outcast - even growing up when we first moved to CA from MN. I always got the feeling they didn't think I was as good as the other cousins. I also felt that because they didn't like my mother, she didn't like them either and as a result separated (estranged) us from my dad's family. Bottom line, I don't feel I have family. That makes me feel alone.

The next thought about changes came to me when I was driving into work this morning. I was thinking about people changing. Some people think that peope just don't change. (I've heard people make comments about that). Well, they do change. That's what life is all about - change. Either people change for the better or worse. Even if people seem to not change, I believe they still do. If someone is negative, they usually get worse and it may appear to be stagnation, but they still change. People in a rut change, they keep making the rut deeper.

I started to imagine, for me anyway, that I am trying to make changes within myself. It's like being in a deep well and I keep struggling to get out. The walls of the well are earth and there are roots from plants poking through. I grab the earthen walls and try to climb out, but I just don't seem to make any progress. All that I manage to do is pull dirt out on top of me and the roots I grab just break and fall on the ground at my feet. There are even rocks that I grab, they pull loose too and there is nothing to hold onto. But then just as I feel as if all hope is lost, I look up towards the top of the well, I see the sky and I see that the distance is shorter. I look at the ground below my feet and all the dirt, rocks, and roots that I have grabbed are piling up below me. I feel a surge of hope so I keep going ....