I am sitting here at work trying to decide where to start and what should the title be. I thought about "My Beginning", but what beginning? My birth? Or the beginning of self discovery? In truth, the self discovery thing has been an on going process since my divorce, at least a more indepth look into myself. I guess, in essence, my beginning of self discovery could be viewed as a birth too. Sort of ... born again?! Although I don't feel born again. I still have all these feelings inside that I want to get rid of. These feelings that are crushing me down and holding me back from being the person I want to be .,.. that is what this blog is all about. Maybe that is just what life is about.
Anyway, I was meditating the other morning and I had a thought. I have been dealing with feelings of inadequecy and a sense of a lack of self worth ever since I can remember. My thought was that I had my dreams taken from me. Actually, my thought was more like they were "stolen" from me. What I mean by that is that I was always told to "get my head out of the clouds." To this day I don't even remember what I was dreaming about. And anyways, could I have kept track of all the dreams? So, I guess what I'm getting at is that in order to have a happy life, or fulfilling, you have to have dreams. You need desires and wishes. I never felt deserving of these. My desires never were worth anything. I was made to feel that my desires, wishes, dreams were not worthy or were stupid, because they were different from what other people wanted for me, or maybe I should what they wanted from me. I don't even remember having dreams about what I wanted to be when I grew up.
Sure, when I was really little, my dream was to be a dancer ... I have to admit, I still fantasize about being a dancer ... but when I was put into ballet classes (at 3 years old) I pitched a fit, because I didn't want to go. My guess is that the classes were too structured and all I wanted to do was twirl. I remember just twirling and twirling ... and twirling some more .... When I was 8, I wanted to take lessons because a friend of mine was taking dance, but I was told that I didn't want them before, so I wouldn't want them now. Huh? I was 3 the first time compared to 8? I felt crushed ... I can still feel that today. That feeling of being crushed, turning inward and hiding inside me. That ever familiar feeling that I have lived with all my life. This is just one memory or incident of hundreds ... I could be exaggerating, but I don't think so.
Getting rid of feelings that I've had all my life is scary. What will I do when they are gone? What will I feel? Who will I be? Will I be a better person? What about my personality?
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